I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize