I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
