I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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