I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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