why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
