im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize