You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
