I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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