i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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