Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
