His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
