i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
