Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
