I need to stop coming to work sober
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
