I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
