i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
