My room smells like vodka and shame
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
