opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
