Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There's always time for handjobs
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
