Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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