I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
