I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
