My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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