Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You made out with two different species that night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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