Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
