with your own penis?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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