I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
