you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
