laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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