I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize