He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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