Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
