1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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