it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
