i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize