I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
