my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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