Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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