dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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