i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize