I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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