At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
