I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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