So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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