Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
