at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
