yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I can feel your judgement through the phone
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
