I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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