i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
