When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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