I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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