If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
