you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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