I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
