he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i will never coherently bang her
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
