just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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