dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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