I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
