Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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