yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I want to make a zoo with you.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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