My liver just broke up with me...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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