where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
