you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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